How not to replace a light bulb

An advantage of working in theatre is that you inevitably become very comfortable with working around electricity.

A disadvantage of working in theatre is that you inevitable become very comfortable with working around electricity.
How not to change a light bulb:
  1. Wait until 2330.
2. Go to WalMart. Marvel at the variety of light bulbs available since the last time you did some serious illumination shopping.
2a. 20 Minutes Later: Hmmmm….if I buy CFL I can get higher output for less wattage? And they come colour corrected to 6k5? Sold.
3. Return home. Remove glass cover from light fixture. Burn yourself because it was still hot.
4. Leave is off and wait 30 minutes. Try again.
5. Burn yourself on the light bulb because it was still hot. Wait 30 minutes and try again.
6. Find that the light bulb is stuck. Ask Google how to get it out.
7. Try “the duct tape method.” No progress.
8. Cover the light bulb with duct tape. Whack it with a screw driver to break it but keep the glass contained. Remember to put on wrap around eye-protection: BSI SCENE SAFETY!
9. Marvel in your brilliance as this is the only thing so far that has gone according to plan.
10. Put pliers in socket and try to man handle what’s left of the bulb’s base. Get very small pieces of glass on the carpet.
11. Make no progress.
12. Ask Google about this situation.
13. Go to the store and get a potato at 1am.
14. Try “the potato method.” Get lots of potato in the light socket. Make no progress.
15. Unscrew the entire lighting fixture from the ceiling. Disconnect it from the power and pull it down.
16. Go into the kitchen and use pliers to remove one small piece of the light bulb base at a time.
17. Realise you forgot something where you were working before and go back for it. Absent mindedly flip light switch as you enter. When the shower of sparks from the exposed wires reminds you what you were just doing, frantically turn off light switch.
18. Go back to kitchen. Finally remove remains of the light bulb. Wipe out potato with a bleach wipe.
19. Reinstall light fixture. Drop wirenut.
20. Spend 5 minutes on your hands and kness (in the broken glass) searching for the wirenut. In the dark.
21. Find wirenut and finish re-wiring light fixture.
22. Swear under your breath while trying to line up the holes for the screws to re-attach to the ceiling.
23. Realise what the purpose is of the slots next to the holes.
24. Cower as you flip on the switch to test for any wiring errors. Be rewarded with no electrical noises or sparks.
25. Install CFLs and replace cover.
26. Marvel at your awesomeness.
27. Fetch the vacuum to cleanup the glass.
28. Frantically turn off vacuum when you realise how loud it is at 2am.
29. Use your flatmate’s Roomba instead, because it’s quite.
30. Plug-in Roomba because it’s batteries are dead.
31. While Roomba charges, change the lock on your bedroom room like you’d been meaning to all day.
32. Start vacuuming with Roomba.
32a. Learn to compensate for Roomba’s inability to turn left.
33. Half-way through, plug Roomba back in to charge and start blog post.
34. Finish Vacuuming with Roomba.
35. Proof and publish blog post.
Mat Goebel
EMS Fellow

My research interests include EMS, EKG, STEMI, cybersecurity, data viz, ML, and NLP.